


Lighthouse

by Hallospaceboyy



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mild Smut, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23477212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hallospaceboyy/pseuds/Hallospaceboyy
Summary: Reader has been avoiding being as intimate with Zelda as she would like, and opens up to Zelda about her anxieties and self esteem issues.
Relationships: Zelda Spellman/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 51





	Lighthouse

**Author's Note:**

> So this idea has been floating around in my head for the last couple of days, as I myself have major issues with anxiety; and have little to no body confidence. TW for anxiety and some self deprecation from the reader in regards to her body. Zelda is soft as hell in this, so may seem ooc but hope you enjoy nonetheless. I still feel a little apprehensive about writing reader insert stories, but I tried lol. There is the possibility of a second chapter to this, but we'll see where my mind takes me. Stay safe and stay home, everyone x

You and Zelda had been meeting for clandestine trysts for weeks now. You did not know why you both still agreed to let this remain a secret, knew the rest of the Spellman clan would be overjoyed that you had both found happiness in each other – despite your being Ambrose's friend. But nevertheless, you both realised you enjoyed the secrecy, the excitement of sneaking around, of charming the room you happened to be devouring Zelda in with a silencing spell – knowing you could both be as loud as you liked, and no one would be the wiser.

But there was another reason you were both set on keeping this relationship secret, a setback you knew Zelda had noticed with blinding clarity, but that neither of you had voiced, both too apprehensive to broach the subject. Despite the many times you and Zelda had been intimate, you had never let Zelda touch you as intimately as she wished – never let her remove your clothes to feel your bare skin, and Zelda, even with her above average intelligence, could not figure out why. She found herself brooding on the subject regularly, was hurt by your obvious distrust of her. Zelda, even with her complex knowledge of almost any subject, could not, and did not fathom that your reasoning was merely due to your own deflated, or more accurately, non-existent self esteem. She contented herself with only quick groping over clothes, wanting – needing to please you, your rejection of her willingness to return the favour leaving her bewildered. You were terrified she would find you as ugly and unattractive as you found yourself – saw yourself as a sorry excuse for a woman in comparison to Zelda, with her flawless pale skin and shapely body. Zelda could not figure out why a woman so skilled and confident in undressing her, and making her come apart, could suddenly become as frightened and uncomfortable as a deer caught in headlights if she tried to return the favour.

Zelda was nude and sweating beneath you, strands of her hair sticking to her forehead, and chest heaving as you pushed her over the edge with the deft movement of your fingers. She held you intimately against her bare skin, feeling only the rough material of your pyjama shirt in return, and as she came down from her high, she felt a sudden pang in her chest as she thought again of your unwillingness to give yourself to her, truly and completely, as she wanted you to.  
You saw the look in her eyes change, and felt your own distress knowing you were so unsure of giving her what she wants. The thought of this goddess of a woman, this woman you worshipped so, seeing the body you so hated made you feel physically sick, had your heart palpitating and your palms sweating. Your anxiety was cruel, planting the idea deep inside of you that Zelda would surely reject you, be disgusted by you, and never want to lay with you again. So you contented yourself with simply pleasing her, ravishing her in any way that you could to make up for your absence of sound mind.

Zelda slid her hands up your sides, looking into your eyes with a softness and affection that she rarely showed in the beginning, but seemed to show more often now, and you found yourself still unable to get used to it. The look was gentle, but you could see her scrutinizing your face, alert to every change in expression as she slowly lifted your shirt up with her hands – and you willed yourself to just let her continue, but your hands came to rest on hers, and you stopped her, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. 

“Y/N...” Zelda's hand came to cup your cheek, and there was a sadness present in her eyes now, when you let her guide your face toward hers, forcing you to meet her gaze. “Why can’t you trust me? What is it that you’re afraid of?” You saw tears welling in her eyes now and couldn’t bare it, knew you had to come clean. You felt foolish, petulant, but you couldn’t bare the thought that you were hurting her – could never hurt this woman that you knew you loved so deeply.

“I can’t...” You took a deep breath, hoping with the inhalation of air you would inhale some courage with it. “You're so... gorgeous, Zelda, and I’m so...” You clenched your jaw as tears now threatened to overflow, knowing you were sure exactly of the words you would use, the self deprecating words that were a constant in your mind, but knowing that Zelda would scold you if you used them. “I’ve always had problems with self image. There are times I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. I haven’t been able to leave the house without makeup since I was probably... 15? I’m not sure.” You smiled grimly, hoping Zelda would think that you found humour in it, knew you were kidding her about as much as you were kidding yourself- not at all. Zelda remained silent, her face etched with concern, but she let you continue, knew if she stopped you, you may never start again.

“I don’t remember the last time I felt comfortable in my body. Even when I was in a committed relationship, I had this deep seated discomfort when it came to being naked, always remained bare only for as long as I had to.” You took Zelda's hands in yours, tears streaming down your cheeks now, like the opening of a flood gate. Your divulgence of your anxieties felt like the opening of a flood gate too, relieving to you despite not yet knowing Zelda's reaction. “Zelda... I am so sorry that I have made you feel that I distrust you. It was never about you, it was always about me... my comparing myself to you and feeling pale in comparison. I’m sorry.” You held back a jerking sob, and Zelda wiped her own single tear from her cheek and pulled you into a tight hug – a hug that perhaps to some would have felt suffocating, but to you felt like home, a comforting beacon with which you could tether yourself.

“You silly, silly girl. You have nothing to apologise for. Don't you dare apologise," Zelda scolded lightly, her voice thick with unshed tears. “You should have told me. I care for you so, so much. I could never see you as anything but perfect. Warts and all.” She chuckled as you tutted, lifting your head to glare at her. 

“I don’t have warts.”

Zelda laughed, low and melodious, and then her face suddenly became serious, taking your face in her hands and kissing your lips tenderly. “I will wait, for as long as you need, Y/N dear. I can be patient with you, as long as you promise me that no matter how long it takes, you will let yourself trust in me, in my feelings for you. One day.”

You nodded, smiling at her behind long, damp lashes, and then nuzzled your face into her neck, closing your eyes and contenting yourself with being in her arms. She smelt like cigarette smoke, and cedar, and the faint must of the pages of the ancient books she had been perusing that day still clung to her fingers, her slender fingers that were stroking your cheek, combing through your hair. You knew right now that your mind was akin to a ship, lost at sea, but that she was the lighthouse, and that with her near, you would always find your way home.

“I love you, Zeldie” You whispered, as you drifted off to sleep, missing the warm smile that lit up Zelda's face.

“I love you too, sweet thing.”


End file.
